~~~~~~~~FUNNY JOKES ~~~~~~~~~


Titanic was sinking.

Santa: How much the earth is far from here?

Banta: 1 kilo meter.

Santa jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"

Banta: Downwards !


Santa: I am so miser (kanjoos) that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.

Bania: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.


0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy

neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were

in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the

porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a



Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful

lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to

give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long

illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with

three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly

drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them

suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took

off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't

want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe

herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card

stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled

up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of

Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall


Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon

their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He

knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and

said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one

has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a

young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then

gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in

years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no

matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I

love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you

were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,


Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it

and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a

new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them

tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be

saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I

messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the

Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian

name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental


88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop

back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........





Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."


Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on

$500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:





Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for



That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping

their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the

Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."


A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor

man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to

see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return

home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I

was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


ABC's of ex girlfriends
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your

money and could have given a shit about you.

is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children

that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together

and then DIE!!

is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to

a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you

remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks

and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to

date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

stands for Kill.

is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK!

They're home!"

stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you

won't get any for a week.


Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical


After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal

advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train

in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now,

cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going

down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room

and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice


Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the

mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your

belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with

us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand

luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see

the bitch in the kitchen."


From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they

wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for

four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with

the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday.

We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the

baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him

cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.

Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are

without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find

what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh

and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends

continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in

when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a



Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.


A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.

Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.

Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ??

Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!


Girlfriend to Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry.

Boyfriend: That's ok, but who will marry us.

Girlfriend (boyfriend se): Ab hame shaadi kar leni chahiye.

Boyfriend: Voh to theek hai... par hum se shaadi karega koun?


Best Jokes for Kids Jokes

Santa has to sell his dog. Banta wants to buy it.

Banta: Is this dog faithful ?

Santa: Yes, I have sold it 3 times earlier also. It is so faithful, everytime it returned back to me.

Funny Hindi Joke

Santa ne apna dog bechna tha. Banta usko kharedna chahta tha.

Banta: Kya ye dog vafadar hai ?

Satna: Hanji, mein isko teen bar pehle bhi bech chuka hu, ye itna vafadar hai ke har bar mere pas vapis aa jata hai.


My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing YOGA to treat the problem. Soon her finger-nails

started growing normally.

Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem.

"No," she replied with a funny sweet smile, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."


A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...
I must be a god!


Funny Sharma was filling up application form for a job.

He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".

After much thought he wrote: YES


Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, clean ing home and washing clothes.

Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.


Indian Prime Minister: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

US President: Wow! How many?

Indian Prime Minister: 7 OBC, 5 SC, 8 ST, 3 Handicapped, 2 Sports Persons, 3 Terrorist Affected, 3 Kashmiri Migrants, 2 MPs &

1 Astronaut.


Funny Girl Jokes

A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student.

Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir.

Teacher: So, What?

Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow.

Hindi Joke

Very Funny Girl ek beautiful college student thi.

Ek bar vo class me late aati hai.

Teacher: Tum late kiyon ho?

Very Funny Girl : Sir Ji, ik londa mera peecha kar raha tha.

Teacher: Par fir kya hua, tum late kaise hui?

Very Funny Girl : Sir, voh londa bahut dheere dheere chal raha tha.


Santa asks Priest: Why did god make women so beautiful?

Priest: So that you will love them.

Santa thinks for a short time...

Santa: But why did God make them so dumb?

Priest: So that they will love you.


Judge asks a little Kid: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?

Kid: No, my mummy beats me.

Judge:  Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.

Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.

Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?

Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!


Judge asks a little Kid: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?

Kid: No, my mummy beats me.

Judge:  Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.

Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.

Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?

Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!


Funny Lawyer Jokes

Banta to Lawyer: What is your fees?

Lawyer: Rs 5000/- for 3 questions.

Banta: Isn't it too high?

Lawyer: Yes, it is. What is your third question?


Santa & Banta got tired using mobile cell phones. For a change, they decided to use pigeons to send sweet messages. And

this hilarious scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

Banta sees, the pigeon is without any message. He picks his mobile and asks Santa: The pigeon is without any sweet


Santa: Oye khotey, that was a missed call.


Sweet SMS Sexy Jock

Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl?

Employee: (looking down) No Sir...

Boss: Don't look down. Look at me.

Hindi Version

Angry boss: Tumne kabhi ullu dekha hai?

Employee: (sar jhuka ke) Nahi sir

Boss: Neeche kya dekh rahe ho? Meri taraf dekho.


Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?


Santa: Why are you heating the knife.

Banta: To do suicide.

Santa: But why are you heating it?

Banta: To prevent infection.

 Hindi Joke

Santa: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?

Banta: Suicide karne ke liye

Santa: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?

Banta: Kahin infection na ho jaaye.


New Funny Jokes,
Funny SMS

Museum Watchman: That's a 500 year old statue you have broken.

Funny Sharma: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

A Funny man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny man buys 2 cups of coffee.

Funny Man: Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold.

Wife: But why...

Funny Man: They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee


Laloo Rabri Jokes

Sardar Ji: Why have you increased speed of car?

Laloo: Break has failed. We should reach home before accident.

Hindi Version

Sardar Ji: Aapne gadi ki speed kyon bdha di hai?

Laloo: Break fail ho gayi hai, accident hone se pehle hum ghar pahounch jaaige.


Sweet SMS
Naughty Jokes

In New Delhi, Blue-line buses are notorious for killing people in  accidents.

Today a Blue-line bus driver saved
2 lives.

Howz that possible?
He did not go to job today.


Husband Wife Jokes

A French husband was returning home after cremating his wife.

He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.

Husband thinks: She must have reached there.

Hindi Version

Ik husband apni wife ke kirya kram (cremation) kar ke ghar lot raha tha.

Tabhi asman me jor se bijli chamki aur badal garje.

Husband bola: Lagta hai pohonch gayi.


Teacher Student Kids Jokes

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My  Dog" is exactly the same as  your brother's. Did you copy from him?

Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

Ex Husband Jokes

Santa was weeping at a grave, "Why did you die? Why did you die? Your death ruined my life."

Banta: For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? Wife? or Girlfriend ?

Santa: My wife’s first husband.


Hilarious Sardar Jokes

A funny accountant visits a museum with a Sardar Ji.

Accountant: This painting is 500 years and 20 days old.

Sardar: Amazing! Where did you get this exact information?

Accountant: I was here 20 days ago. The guide told me that the painting was 500 years old.


Short Funny Jocks, Funny SMS

School Teacher: What is common between Buddha, Jesus, Mahavir and Guru Nanak Dev Ji?

Student: All of them were born on Indian centre govt  holidays!


Short Pregnancy Jokes

Laloo rang labor room of hospital to to know about his pregnant wife Rabri. By mistake he dialled the number of a cricket


Laloo: How's it going?

Reply: Fine, four are already out. The last one was a duck.


Funny Clean Sweet Jokes

Santa: Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?

Banta: I can't see the agony of the audience.


Short Wedding Jokes
Marriage Jokes, Funny Sms

Laloo's Son: Dad, how much does it cost to get married.

Funny Laloo: I never calculated, I am still paying for it.

A Haryanvi bought a car on loan from a bank. He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.

Funny Haryanvi: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

Hindi version of Jokes

Laloo's Son: Papa, aapki shaadi me kitna kharcha aaya tha?

Funny Laloo: Meine kabhi hisab nahi lagaya, par mein aaj tak uss ke liye pay kar raha hu.


Ik Haryanvi ne bank se car loan liya. Voh loan vapis nahi kar paya. Bank vale uss ki car le gaye.

Funny Haryanvi: Agar mere ko yeh pata hota to mein apni shaadi ke liye bhi loan leta.


Husband Wife Divorce Jokes

Husband:  I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that  are hard to  get!

Hindi Version

Husband: Mein apni wife se divorce chahta hu. Voh mere se 6 mahine se boli nahi.
Lawyer: Dubara soch lo, aisi wife kismat valon ko hi naseeb hoti hai


Funny Pakistani Urdu Joke translated to English

Three life insurance salesmen of different countries were having a chat.

Pakistani: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the check within 24 hours.

Indian: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening.

American: That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC building. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped

and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!

Q. Why does a Pakistani gets life insurance policy.
A. It keeps him poor all the life so that he can die rich.


Funny Paki Jokes

American Girl: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.

Indian Girl: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.

Pakistani Girl: That’s nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world.


Sweet Desi Jokes, Funny SMS

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't have any more work.

Santa: That's all right, sir. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't ask you to give me work anyway!!


Free Funny Short Joke

Laloo applied for the post of a detective in Patna. In the interview he was asked a question:

Who killed Mahatma Gandhi?

Laloo: I will tell you tomorrow.

Laloo come home and tells his wife: I got the job and my first work is to investigate who killed Gandhi.

Teacher: What happened in 1869?

Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.

Teacher: What happened in 1873?

Student: Gandhi was four years old.


Best Jokes, Funny SMS

Chemistry Teacher: What is the chemical formula of water?

Student: HIJKLMNO.

Chemistry Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said H to O.


Sardar Joke, Pakistani Joke

Sardarji saw two Pakistani workers in Karachi. One of them dig a hole, and the other guy immediately fill it with soil again.

They repeated the work again and again.

Sardarji couldn’t understand their job. He asked the Pakistanis about it.

Paki Worker replied: The third guy who plants the trees in holes is on leave today, & we are doing our duty.


New Funny Joke, Funny Message

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Funny Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married


Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Funny Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.


Funny SMS Jokes

Santa to Banta: I and my girlfriend are getting married.

Banta: Oh great, but when is the marriage?

Santa: I am marrying on on 13th Jan and my girlfriend on 20th.


Naughty Santa Banta Jokes

Santa: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start.

Bartender gives him a drink.

Santa again says: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me drink. Fight is about to start.

Bartender again gives him a drink.

Santa again asks for a drink as the fight is about to star.

Bartender: When on earth the fight will start?

Naughty Santa: When you will ask for money.


Funniest Jokes, Funniest SMS

A Drunk man points towards sky and asks another drunk: Is it sun or moon?

Second Drunk: I can't say what it is, because I am also new in the town.

Joke in Hindi

Ek sharabi akash ki taraf ishara karke bola: Yeh suraj hai ya chand?

Dusra Sharabi: Pata nahi bhai, mein bhi is shehar mein naya hun.


Short One Liner
Urdu Jokes

Laloo: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet.

Doctor: Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.

Stylish Laloo SMS

Laloo got promotion from clerk to manager.

He went home and told his wife in new style “You will sleep with a manager today…”

Wife fell unconscious.


Short One Liner
Urdu Jokes

Laloo: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet.

Doctor: Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.

Stylish Laloo SMS

Laloo got promotion from clerk to manager.

He went home and told his wife in new style “You will sleep with a manager today…”

Wife fell unconscious.


Short One Liner
Urdu Jokes

Laloo: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet.

Doctor: Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.

Stylish Laloo SMS

Laloo got promotion from clerk to manager.

He went home and told his wife in new style “You will sleep with a manager today…”

Wife fell unconscious.


Pakistani Army Jokes

Musharraf joined Pakistani army and was given a gun.

Musharraf asked his Officer: Sir, to what side should I point its nozzle, towards myself or to the opposite side.

Officer: Stupid, keep it anyway, in both the cases it will benefit the nation.


Second Marriage Jokes

Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again?

Husband: No dear.

Wife: I'm sure you would.

Annoyed husband: Okay, I would.

Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?

Husband: Ya, I guess so.

Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes.

Husband: No, she is taller than you.

Hindi Version

Patni: Agar mein mar jaon to tum dubara shaadi karoge?

Pati: Bilkul nahi.

Patnai: Mujhe yakeen hai tum dubara shaadi karoge.

Pati: Ok, mein shaadi karunga.

Patni: Kya tum usko hamare bed pe sulaoge?

Pati: Yes.

Patni: Kya tum meri jeans usko dalne doge?

Pati: Nahi, Voh tumhare se lambi hai.


Very Funny Pakistani Jokes, SMS

A Pakistani army soldier walks into his officer's room.

To impress him, the army office picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will tell the Prime

Minister. Goodbye."

Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?"
"Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."


Pregnancy Joke
Non Veg Jokes
18+ Jokes

Little boy: Aunty, what is inside your stomach?

Pregnant Lady: It's a cute little baby.

Little Boy: If it is cute, why did u eat it?


Funny One liner Jokes, Funny SMS

Girlfriend: I can't marry you. I am one year elder to you.

Boyfriend: Very Good, I love you so much that I can wait for you for one year.


Haryanvi Tau Jokes, Funny SMS

A Haryanvi Tau buys a ticket for Rs 100 and wins the lottery of 1 crore. He goes to claim it.

Haryanvi Tau: I want Rs 1 crore.

Lottery Agent: We give you 10 lakh today. The rest amount will be paid in next 6 months.

Haryanvi Tau: Oh, no! I want all my money right now. If you don't do it today, then I want my Rs 100 back.


Funny Clean Jokes for School Kid

School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?

Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.

Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”


Funny Clean Jokes for School Kid

School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?

Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.

Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”


Free Jokes, Funniest Jokes SMS

Pakistani: My boy is growing up, he is adult and wants to go out and enjoy with sweet girlfriends.

Indian: My boy is past that. He wants to stay indoors with his sweet girlfriends.

Hindi Version

Pakistani: Mera beta bada ho raha hai. Voh sweet girlfriends ke sath bahar ghoomne jana pasand karta hai.

Indian: So sweet, mera beta to tumare bete se kahin aage hai, voh sweet girlfriends ke sath ghar ke andar rehna pasand karta



Funny Pregnancy Jokes
Sexy Jokes SMS

Q In India, we have only Postmen, but no Postwomen, why?
A Because, they take 9 months for delivery.

Q Why did sexy woman cricketer slap commentator Ravi Shastri ?

A Because Shastri said: She is ready for next delivery.


Short Hilarious Jokes

Laloo and his wife Rabri were angry with each other and were not talking to each other.

Laloo left a note on Rabri's bedside table, that said: "Dear Wife! Awake me at 5 am tomorrow."

Next morning, Laloo awoke at 8 am and saw a note on his bedside table: "Dear Husband It's 5 O' Clock, get up.

Hindi Version

Laloo aur Rabri ik dusre se gussa the aur apas me baatcheet nahi kar rahe the.

Laloo ko subha kahi jana tha. Voh Rabri ke bed ke pas ik note rakh deta hai: "Humko kal subhe paanch baje utha dena."

Agle din Laloo ki neend subhe 8 baje khulti hai. Uske talbe par note likha hota hai: Dear Husband Paanch baje gaye hai, uth



Funny Short Jokes, 18+ Jokes sms

Two short men were sitting inside a hospital.

First short man was crying loudly.

Second short man asked "Why" ?

First short man: They will cut my finger for medical blood test.

Hearing this second short man started crying even louder.

First short man asked "Why" ?

Second short man: I have come for my urine test.


Short SMS Jokes Hilarious Jokes

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Blonde Wife: Why three?

Annoyed Husband: For you and your parents.

Blonde Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared.

Annoyed Husband: Whom should I call now, Police or  Ambulance...?!

Funny Haryanvi Jokes

 2 Haryanvi men were searching for their lost wife in a festival at Hissar city.

First Haryanvi:  How does your wife look like?

Second Haryanvi: She is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?

First Haryanvi: Forget mine, let us look for yours...


Husband Wife Adult Jock

Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?

Funny Husband: Your eyesight is still excellent !


Russian Jokes

A Russian's ass (donkey) went missing. Russian was praying and thanking God.

A Sardar saw him and asked, "Your  ass is missing; Why are thanking God?"

Russian: I am thanking Him because I wasn't riding the ass at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.


Funny Russian Jokes sms

A Russian ship was sinking.

Captain: Does any one know how to pray?

An Indian priest (pandit) comes forward and says he can pray.

Captain: Ok priest, you pray; Everyone else in ship will wear a life jacket. We are short of one.


Funniest Joke
Miser Bania & Funny Sardarji

A rich Sardarji needed blood for his heart surgery.

He got it from a poor Bania.

Sardarji gave him 5 million dollars. Once again the Sardar needed blood for surgery.

Bania was more than happy to donated blood again. This time, Sardar just gave him a Cadburies Chocolate. Bania asked the


Sardar: Now I also have Bania blood in my body.

Worlds Funniest Jokes in Hindi

Ik amir Sardar ko heart surgery ke liye blood ki zarrorat thi.

Ik garib Bania us ko blood donate karta hai. Sardar usko 5 crore ka inam deta hai.

Sardar ko ik bar fir blood ki zarrorat padti hai. Bania badi khushi se usko fir blood donate karta hai. Iss bar Sardar usko ik

Cadburies Chocolate gift karta hai.

Bania kaaran poochta hai.

Sardar: Ab meri body me bhi Bania ka khoon dor raha hai.


Hilarious Blonde Jokes
Funny Sardar Ji Jokes

Blonde's daughter comes home with a smart Sardar boy. She introduces Sardarji with Blonde.

Blonde: So, you want to become my son-in-law?

Sardar: Not really madam, but this is the only way to marry your daughter!

Sexy Blonde Jokes

Blonde cuts sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess why ??????????





To avoid side effects!!!


Hilarious Jokes, Funny SMS

Science Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life. It was discovered in 1773.

Blonde Student: Thank God ! I am born after 1773 otherwise, I would have died without it.


Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes

A Teacher lecturing on population:
In India after every 10 seconds, a women gives birth to a kid.

Lalu stands up: We must find & stop her.

* * *

Lalu in a family planning seminar appeals Bihari people: "Don't give birth to more than 2 children in a year."


Short One Liner Jokes

Blonde to servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It's raining.

Blonde: So what take an umbrella and go !!!


Short Jokes Clean SMS Joke

Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.

Blonde: Why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it...


18+ Sex Jokes, Sexy Jokes Adult SMS

Funny Blonde man was filling up an application form for a job.

He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then Blonde man came to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK.

Clerk told him to write either MALE or FEMALE.

Again Funny Blonde man thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.


Funniest Kids Jokes Children Jokes SMS

A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.

Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?

Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.

Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.


Free Jokes, Good Jokes SMS

After becoming the CM of Bihar, Laalu ji decides to pose for a picture along with a herd of buffaloes with his elbows resting on the back of the cattle.

Next day the photo appears in
a newspaper with caption:

"Laalu ji, third from left".


Good Kids Jokes, Funny Jokes for Kids

Japanese Prime Minister: Give me Bihar for 3 years, we will it into Japan.

Laloo: Give me Japan for 3 months, I will turn it into Bihar.

Good Hindi Joke

Japan ke Prime Minister: Tum hum ko 3 saal ke liye Bihar de do, hum usko Japan bana denge.

Laloo: Tum humko 3 months ke liye Japan de do, hum usko Bihar bana denge.


Racist Jokes
Funny Nigger Jokes

An old Nigger buys hearing aids from a doctor.

Doctor: Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased.

Nigger: Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around them and listen to their conversations. In a month, I’ve changed my will three times!


Funny Blonde Jokes
Racist Jokes

Blonde Wife: Sweet Heart ! When you remove your specks you look like the same cute guy whom I married 20 years back.
Husband: Yes dear, when I remove my specks, you also look like the same charming girl whom I married 20 years back.


Nigger Jokes

A newly wed Nigger wife talks to her husband.

Nigger Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?

Nigger Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.


Kids Jokes & Funny SMS

First Kid: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously.

Second Kid: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.

First Kid: I don’t remember exactly, I was only 3 yeas old at that time.


Hilarious Jokes
Short Funny SMS

Patient: I have swallowed a key.

Sardar Doctor: When?

Patient: 3 months back!

Sardar Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Patient: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


Hilarious Jokes
Ideal Match Jokes

Santa: Why didn't you marry?

Banta: I was searching for an
ideal match.

Santa: So, you didn't find an ideal girl?

Banta: I found one.

Santa: Then?

Banta: She was also searching for an ideal match.


Clean Jokes Kids Jokes Sms

Laloo was writing something very slowly.

Santa: Why are you writing so slowly?

Laloo: I am writing to my 5 years old kid Jhurlu, he can't read very fast.


Short Hilarious Jokes, Funny SMS

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!!


Funny One liner Jokes

Patient: Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? Once a doctor was treating his patient with pneumonia but the patient died of typhus.

Funny Doctor: Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."


Funniest Hilarious Jokes

Indian SMS Joke

In a crowded elevator, an Indian Desi wife became angry with her naughty husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a beautiful girl. The girl suddenly slapped naughty Husband and said, "This will teach you not to pinch any girl in future".

Bewildered, "naughty" Husband was on the way to parking lot with his Wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Ofcourse you didn't," said Wife  consolingly. "I did".


Racist Jokes

Clean Funny Jokes SMS

A Bengali babu returns from China.

Bengali asks wife: Do I look like a foreigner ?

Wife: No.

Bengali: Look carefully, do I look like a foreigner ?

Wife again replies: No.

By now Mr Bengali was fuming.

Bengali yells: All those women in China were fools. Where ever I visited, they all said: "Look a foreigner"


Best Racist Jokes
Blonde Jokes

A sexy Blonde (golden hair girl) went to a shop to buy US flag. On seeing the flag, she said something that confused and irritated the shopkeeper.

Guess what did sexy Blonde say.








"Show me some more colors."


Best Jokes Funniest Jokes SMS

Haryanvi Tau: You cheated me. You sold me useless radio.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.

Haryanvi Tau: Radio label shows "Made in Japan" but Radio says: This is all India Radio.

Tags: funny sms, funny text messages, funny sms jokes,funny text message, funny hindi sms, urdu funny sms, funny sms messages, free funny sms, funny sms in, new funny sms, free funny text messages, funny forward text messages, funny sms text, funny love sms, funny mobile sms, fun text messages, funny birthday sms, funny chain text messages, funny english sms, funny sms shayari, short funny sms, funny friendship sms

No comments:

Post a Comment