Funny Quotes

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-- Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock.
-- Dave Allen

I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.
-- Tommy Cooper

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
-- Les Dawson

She can hardly get through an open door without explicit directions.
-- William Lee Scott (on Claudia Schiffer)

Make crime pay - become a lawyer.
-- Will Rogers

A secretary ran into the bosses office and said "Can I use your dictaphone?" He says, "no, use your finger like everybody else"
-- Bernard Manning

Ken dodd of all the comedians - tight. We went to a stripshow and he wanted half of his money back because one of the strippers only had one t*t.
-- Bernard Manning

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
-- Bernard Manning

How could Bernard Manning be a racist when he had four black horses pulling his coffin?
-- Frank Carson

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
-- Bernard Manning

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!
-- Tommy Cooper

26 June

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
-- Benny Hill

Once it was impossible to find any Bond villains older than myself, I retired.
-- Roger Moore


Ah, stardom! They put your name on a star in the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard and you walk down and find a pile of dog manure on it. That tells the whole story, baby.
-- Lee Marvin

Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow...I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
-- Peter Kay

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
-- Frank Sinatra


Forget health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure. One good night of sex and your problems are gone.
-- Grace Jones


This 3-year-old kid is home alone, and a salesman comes to the door. The kid answers, and he’s got a porno in one hand, a cigar in one hand and a bottle of J.D. The salesman goes, “Hi, little boy, are your parents home?” The kid goes, “What the f**k do you think?”
-- Avril Lavigne

I haven't had any experience with UFO's, but paranormal life seems to be all around me...I grew up on the lower east side of New York.
-- David Duchovny

It's simple. PG means the hero gets the girl. 15 means that the villain gets the girl and 18 means everybody gets the girl.
-- Michael Douglas

I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles.
-- Ice T

[talking about English footballer]
Congratulations to Wayne Rooney. He scored three times on Tuesday. He hasn't done that since he crashed a pensioners' bingo night.
-- Jonathan Ross

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
-- Dolly Parton

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
-- Billy Connoly